Boy Scouts' "Perversion Files" Made Public

Last week, the Oregon Supreme Court ordered for the release of the Boy Scouts of America's "Perversion Files" covering from 1965 to 1985.  What these files contain are reports on 1,247 incidents with leaders and volunteers being banned after being accused of sexual or inappropriate behavior.  The release is one of the outcomes of a 2010 case where a Scoutmaster had been convicted of sexually abusing a scout.

The Boy Scouts have opposed the release of the files, claiming that even though the identities of victims had been removed, there's still a possibility of harm that could come to them from the release.  They've also expressed a fear that others may be discouraged from reporting, knowing that the report would eventually become public, having only recently enacted a policy requiring mandatory reporting to police in 2011.

These claims are actually the opposite of what is most likely to happen.  In truth, the secrecy of a reporting process often fuels mistrust and isolation, leading victims to believe nothing is actually being done.  You see it even with bullying.  Transparency encourages reporting.  It builds a trust in the system when victims can see something is actually being done.  It gives them confidence that reporting isn't for nothing when they can see a punishment enforced.  No matter how strong an investigation nor how severe a punishment, if it happens in the shadows then victims and future victims will feel abandoned.

Often the argument is made that a low-key investigation protects the innocence of the accused, but that must be weighed against the potential of future harm.  Should rape victims be left to feel alone, unaware if justice has been served?  That's exactly how Keith Early, a scout who had been abused by his Scoutmaster felt.  Victims are already isolated because of how uncomfortable people are with sexual abuse.  At least let them see there are others trying to help.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time when survivors are recognized amid candlelight vigils and memorials for the ones who were lost.  It is also a time when people can reflect on prevention.  Often when domestic violence comes to mind it is accompanied by images of bruises, blood, and tears.  But what commercials and posters only briefly touch on are other forms of abuse like spousal rape, manipulation, and control.  To prevent the abuse these topics are ones that also need to be addressed.  The signs need to be known before they can be visible.

Much like rape, domestic violence is a crime about power.  The abuser expresses power over the victim as a way to show superiority.  It's often been a myth that domestic violence was a byproduct of people with anger issues, but it's actually the opposite.  Abusers are defined by their ability to control, both themselves and their victims.  They've learned to restrain their anger and use it as a tool of intimidation only when in private.  It's how they blend in.  If abusers had difficulty controlling themselves and their violence, no one would be around them.  They would drive everyone away from them and an unhealthy relationship wouldn't even be possible.  This is why they strive as manipulators, which we talked about more in-depth recently.

The abuse also doesn't "just happen."  As part of the manipulation, an abuser doesn't dive into physical violence from the first date.  Over time an abuser will push the boundaries of their victims, testing how easy they can impose their will.  It starts with seeing friends and family less, maybe even turning the victim against their loved ones by pointing out disagreements.  They slowly chip away at the support structure, leaving only themselves as the one the victim relies on.

That's when the intimidation and violence become more open.  Victims feel trapped.  All the people they would have normally turned to are gone.  They've been isolated by an abusive partner and dependent on them.  This is also why some victims will try to explain away the actions of the abuser.  Lines like "they're not like that all the time," or "you don't know them like I do," try to defend the abuse.  That's because the violence isn't constant, but occurs in a cycle.  First there is the honeymoon phase, where everything seems perfect and they are so in love with their partner.  But as that fades away, the control begins to show and the nervous phase comes in.  The victim is walking on egg shells, worried anything might set their partner off.  But with abusers, no matter how cautious the victim is it doesn't matter.  They will find an excuse and that will be the explosion phase, where sexual and physical abuse occur.  Afterward, an abuse may apologize, buy gifts, and make promises that it will never happen again, bringing it back around to the honeymoon phase again.

There are warning signs to watch for in an unhealthy relationship.  The best form of prevention is to know your boundaries and stick to them.  Don't just watch out for yourself, but watch out for others and keep these signs in mind:

Does the person you are with…

• Ignore your personal boundaries?
• Not listen to what you have to say?
• Get jealous or possessive of you and/or your time?
• Get upset when you don’t do what he/she wants?
• Try to make you feel guilty in order to get his/her way?
• Use alcohol or other drugs while in your presence?
• Pressure you to use alcohol or drugs?
• Insist you go somewhere alone with him/her when you don’t want to?
• Try to pressure you to have sex?
• Have more experience than you?

It's Not Bullying... It's Hazing! That Makes It Okay, Right?

From athletic fields to office buildings there has been a tradition of breaking in the new blood, rituals that are supposed to make them one of the group.  Many times it occurs as embarrassment and assault, sometimes resulting in death.  This ceremony of course is the practice of hazing.

Just this past week news broke of a high school soccer team in La Puente, California being investigated for sexual assault as part of a hazing ritual.  New members of the team would be taken to a room beside the coach's office, told to undress and then they were assaulted with the end of a pole.  This is an act that investigators have speculated to have been occurring for over two years.

In August, a video of Sergeant Phillip Roach being hazed as a "rite of passage" into the Army went viral.  After being struck in the chest with a wooden mallet, he collapsed and struck his head, requiring 6 staples to close the wound.

With such tragic and despicable outcomes of hazing, one would wonder what's even the point of it?  Those who hold onto the rituals claim it builds unity in the group.  It's something they've all been through and it becomes a bond they share.  However, that isn't exactly what's going on.

Hazing is at its core a form of sanctioned bullying.  It establishes a person's place in the hierarchy of a group.  The fact that other members abuse new recruits establishes their rank as seniors to those hoping to join.  It gives them power which they are more than willing to express.  This is the same goal for bullying.  They are acts which harm or embarrass someone in an effort to show they are lesser than the ones committing the acts.  When you talk to those who have been through the hazing rituals about how they hated it, they are still willing to do it to the next round of recruits.  Why, when someone admits how awful it is, would they continue it?  Because it means they're no longer at the bottom.  It gives them a way to show their status in the group.  It is also as a method of exclusion, with the the assaults and behavior being even more difficult on recruits they don't want to join.  For these people, they are only there for others to express their power, having no real opportunity to join.

So what can be done about hazing?  For starters, enacting policy which prohibits it.  There are other ways to form bonds within a team.  Some are mentoring programs by veteran members, not only helping a new recruit to be acclimated more quickly but also building a sense of ownership to the group.  There are numerous team building exercises which place an emphasis on people finding their role in a group based on their strengths and showing how the team can benefit from each member.

Ultimately, hazing won't end until those within a group decide not to do it anymore.  It's when they are able to break the chain and say that they won't do the same, even if it was done to them.  It is the courage of those who are willing to stand out that will end the cycle.

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Also known as manic-depressive illness, bipolar disorder is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy and ability to function.

Symptoms

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings - from overly "high" (mania) to sad and hopeless, and back again, often with periods of normal mood in between.

Symptoms of mania include:

• Increased energy, restlessness
• Excessively euphoric mood
• Extreme irritability
• Racing thoughts, talking very fast and being easily distracted
• Unrealistic belief in one's abilities and powers
• Poor judgment
• Increased sexual drive
• Substance abuse

Symptoms of depression include:

• Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism
• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep at all
• Change in appetite
• Decreased energy
• Thoughts of suicide

Sometimes, severe episodes of mania or depression also include symptoms of psychosis (such as hallucinations and delusions).

  

Cause

Most scientists agree this illness is caused by a combination of genetics and environment. Bipolar disorder tends to run in families, and research suggests genetic precursors to the disorder. In addition, a major stressor or life event is believed to trigger the disease in those that have the genetic predisposition.

Treatment

People with bipolar disorder can lead healthy and productive lives when the illness is effectively treated. Without treatment, however, it tends to worsen. Because bipolar disorder is a recurrent illness, long-term preventive treatment is strongly recommended. A strategy that combines medication and psychological treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time. If those methods are ineffective, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) may be considered. ECT is a highly effective treatment for severe depressive, manic, and/or mixed episodes.

Getting Help

Anyone with bipolar disorder should be under the care of a psychiatrist skilled in the diagnosis and treatment of the disease. People with the illness may need assistance in seeking help due to these factors:

• They often do not realize how impaired they are, or blame the problem on other causes.
• They may need encouragement from family and friends in order to get help.

Someone in the midst of a severe episode may need to be hospitalized for his/her own protection, possibly against his/her wishes. 

How to Tell if Your Child is the Target of Bullying

Recently, we posted an entry on how to help your child if they're being bullied, but it's not always easy to tell if someone is a target of bullying.  Most children are embarrassed or are afraid of making things worse.  They're worried about retaliation or being seen as weak.  Often times they will deny or hide it, but there are signs to be noticed.

• Unexplained or reoccurring marks and bruises
• Loss of toys, school items, money or other property
• Doesn't want to go to school or be around others
• Afraid of riding the bus
• Unusually attached and doesn't want to be left alone
• Withdrawn and evasive
• Change in behavior or personality
• Depressed, moody, or upset without seemingly any reason
• Frequent headaches, stomach pains, or misses school for sick days
• Sudden change in sleeping and eating habbits
• Bullies younger children or siblings
• Avoids school bathrooms or anywhere else without adult supervision
• Abruptly fewer friends
• Extremely hungry when they get home due to food or money being taken
• Unexplained drop in grades
• Says they feel helpless

If you do suspect your child is being bullied, let them know you're open to talking with them and that you won't get mad if they tell you something.  Sometimes children don't feel that they'll be believed so it is important that you let them know you are there to support them.  Also, talk to your child's friends, teachers and anyone else who might have an idea of what's going on, including your child's friends' parents.  Other people may notice something and be able to help, maybe even want to help.  The most important thing is to make sure your child knows they are not alone.

Source:  http://www.micheleborba.com/

Types of Manipulators

This past week, Drew Peterson was found guilty after 14 hours of deliberation of killing his third wife, Kathleen Savio.  For Kathleen's family, there was little doubt something malicious had happened, yet for years her death had been ruled to be an accident.  It wasn't until Peterson's fourth wife, Stacy Peterson, disappeared in 2007 that authorities re-examined the case.

Through the course of the trial, a portrait was painted of the unhealthy relationship Kathleen had with Peterson.  They had filed for divorce after it had been discovered that Peterson was having an affair a 17-year-old, who would become his fourth wife.  Police reports show 18 separate responses for domestic fights.  Her family has said they felt something was wrong by the way Kathleen acted when he was around, showing signs of manipulation.

Emotional grooming and manipulation are commonly found in unhealthy relationships.  One partner, in these situations, will manipulate the feelings and emotions of their partner in a relationship as well as other people in their lives.  They look for what people need or like and fake being able to fulfill those needs, tricking someone into being in love with them.  They also seek to create a desired emotional reaction in others, whether it be anger, depression, joy, whatever it takes to get them what they want.  They also use emotional blackmail through threats of fear or through guilt.

These manipulators can be viewed as types based on the strategies they employ:

Constant Victim:  these are people who tell one-sided stories, are never in the wrong, and try to manipulate others to anger in their defense.

One-Upper:  the One-Upper needs to be the top.  They're the types who always have the better/tougher/worse story than you to share.

Powerful Dependent:  this strategy is to play weak and stroke the ego of others, getting them do do things for them to take care of them.  They are also quick to lash out against those who don't fall for their trick.

Triangulator:  these people will play your best friend, praising you and turning you against others while doing exactly the same with the other side, looking to stir up a fight.

Blasters:  Blasters are like the name says.  They are quick to blast you with angry rants, intimidating others with fear.

Projector:  a tactic where one person puts blame and guilt on another, blaming others for being the problem rather than themselves.

Intentional Mis-Interpreter:  a person who intentionally misleads others with partial truths and lies to ruin the reputations of others.  They like to gossip while manipulating the details.

The Flirt:  someone who needs the attention of everyone in the room and uses flirtation to control others.

Intimidator:  these people are quick to use force and threats to scare someone into doing what they want.

Multiple Offender:  the most common type, the Multiple Offender uses a mix of strategies from the other types of manipulators, using whatever tactics will get them what they need.

These are only brief descriptions, and each type could be described in length, but I'm sure many people can be reminded of someone they know when looking through these types.  Although someone may show some signs of fitting into one of these types, it's important to remember that a healthy relationship requires work.  By recognizing that a relationship is about balance and compromise, people can avoid falling into the role of a manipulator.

How to Help Your Child with Bullying

With a new school year beginning, many students are dreading a return to the lockered halls of youth.  For them, school is a place full of torment where they will be locked in with bullies for hours a day, desperately searching for an escape.

Often times, children don’t tell anyone they are being bullied.  They want to protect their parents from knowing something is going on, that they are unhappy.  They also don’t want their parents involved; fearing involvement from adults could only make things worse.  But what they don’t realize is adults can help in more ways than taking over the fight and complaining to the bully’s parents or teachers.

Find new activities.  One of the ways a bully will select a target is to look for someone without many friends and low confidence.  By enrolling in new activities, especially ones with kids your child wouldn’t be in school with, children have the opportunity to make new friends free of the history carried from years of school.  It’s a fresh start.  The new friends will give your child a support system and the confidence to go to school without the isolation that comes from being bullied.  Having friends outside of school shows them there is a world beyond those walls, decreasing loneliness, and the built up self-esteem makes them less likely a target.

Make sure they know it’s not their fault.  Many people, including kids, feel that bullying is caused because someone is different.  The difference is just the excuse selected by the bully to show their power to other students.  Bullies are looking to show their place in the school hierarchy.  That’s why they find targets that have only a few friends and not likely to fight back.  It’s not about the victim, but showing where they stand.  Recent studies have shown 80% of people have been a victim of bullying and 70% of people have bullied.  It’s all about showing where they fit in that ladder of who bullies who and who gets bullied by who.

Brainstorm solutions with your child.  Telling your child “all you have to do is…” will only make them feel worse if that’s something they’ve already tried.  Instead of telling them what they have to do, have a discussion with them to think of things they could do.  It allows them to stop trying strategies that didn’t work without feeling like they failed and it leads to better solutions than their initial reaction.

Stop the bullying from happening again.  Okay, this is the time where it’s okay to seem like the “nosy parent.”  Talk to teachers, coaches, staff, whoever is in charge where the bullying is taking place.  Let them know what’s happening so they can intervene.  I sometimes hear “I have 20 kids to look after.  I can’t focus on just one.”  True, there may be plenty of kids, but there is probably only a handful that they really need to keep an eye on while the others are well behaved.  If the ones they always have to monitor are the ones who are the bullies, it should be even easier to keep tabs on things.  If you can’t change the environment though, you can always remove them from the environment.  You either get the bully away from your child or you get your child away from the bully.

These are only some of the tactics to help someone who is being bullied and unfortunately there is no single tactic.  Don’t be afraid to try new strategies, no matter how simple they may seem.  The important thing to remember is bullying isn’t about who the victim is, but the bully wanting to show power and control.  Your child shouldn’t change who they are because of that.