October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time when survivors are recognized amid candlelight vigils and memorials for the ones who were lost. It is also a time when people can reflect on prevention. Often when domestic violence comes to mind it is accompanied by images of bruises, blood, and tears. But what commercials and posters only briefly touch on are other forms of abuse like spousal rape, manipulation, and control. To prevent the abuse these topics are ones that also need to be addressed. The signs need to be known before they can be visible.
Much like rape, domestic violence is a crime about power. The abuser expresses power over the victim as a way to show superiority. It's often been a myth that domestic violence was a byproduct of people with anger issues, but it's actually the opposite. Abusers are defined by their ability to control, both themselves and their victims. They've learned to restrain their anger and use it as a tool of intimidation only when in private. It's how they blend in. If abusers had difficulty controlling themselves and their violence, no one would be around them. They would drive everyone away from them and an unhealthy relationship wouldn't even be possible. This is why they strive as manipulators, which we talked about more in-depth recently.
The abuse also doesn't "just happen." As part of the manipulation, an abuser doesn't dive into physical violence from the first date. Over time an abuser will push the boundaries of their victims, testing how easy they can impose their will. It starts with seeing friends and family less, maybe even turning the victim against their loved ones by pointing out disagreements. They slowly chip away at the support structure, leaving only themselves as the one the victim relies on.
That's when the intimidation and violence become more open. Victims feel trapped. All the people they would have normally turned to are gone. They've been isolated by an abusive partner and dependent on them. This is also why some victims will try to explain away the actions of the abuser. Lines like "they're not like that all the time," or "you don't know them like I do," try to defend the abuse. That's because the violence isn't constant, but occurs in a cycle. First there is the honeymoon phase, where everything seems perfect and they are so in love with their partner. But as that fades away, the control begins to show and the nervous phase comes in. The victim is walking on egg shells, worried anything might set their partner off. But with abusers, no matter how cautious the victim is it doesn't matter. They will find an excuse and that will be the explosion phase, where sexual and physical abuse occur. Afterward, an abuse may apologize, buy gifts, and make promises that it will never happen again, bringing it back around to the honeymoon phase again.
There are warning signs to watch for in an unhealthy relationship. The best form of prevention is to know your boundaries and stick to them. Don't just watch out for yourself, but watch out for others and keep these signs in mind:
Does
the person you are with…
- Ignore your personal boundaries?
- Not listen to what you have to say?
- Get jealous or possessive of you and/or your time?
- Get upset when you don’t do what he/she wants?
- Try to make you feel guilty in order to get his/her way?
- Use alcohol or other drugs while in your presence?
- Pressure you to use alcohol or drugs?
- Insist you go somewhere alone with him/her when you don’t want to?
- Try to pressure you to have sex?
- Have more experience than you?
