Rep. Akin is not alone.

Rep. Todd Akin started a firestorm last week that blazed around the world.  His comments of "legitimate rape" rarely resulting in pregnancy, and if so, the female body having a way of shutting down the pregnancy have brought the ire down from both sides of the political aisle.  He has since apologized, claiming to have misspoken and tried to clarify his statement.  Many people have been shocked, disgusted, and disturbed by his comments and in disbelief that anyone could possibly think that.  In my five years of sexual violence prevention, all I had to say was "Yeah, they're out there."

 Rep. Akin's statement to me was like peeking behind the curtain of a magic show.  Behind all the glamor and flash we saw the tricks and deception and found there was no magic.  It's a belief that still clings on like dusty cobwebs as society moves forward, this idea that a "legitimate rape" is a rare occurrence; that women cry rape to cover promiscuous behavior or out of vindictive spite.  It's a hold-over way of thinking from the days when "rule of thumb," where a husband could beat his wife with a stick no wider than his thumb, could still be found on the books and that a wife could never deny her husband sex.  But much like racism, this sexist attitude still lingers.   How can something that has created such an uproar have survived to this day?  The answer is simple.

Denial.  Not denial that there is a problem.  If we have seen anything in the passed week, it is that many agree this is a problem.  No, the denial is with those who hold onto the belief.  When I speak on prevention, encouraging healthy masculinity and showing how strength isn't what you can take, but how much you can give, I've found people who will argue on "what is rape?"  They claim there's nothing wrong with giving a girl a few drinks to "loosen her up."  They don't believe a woman can change her mind on sex.  They justify their behavior by claiming "everybody does it."  They argue so strongly on these grounds because, I suspect, admitting these things are wrong would mean they've done some wrong things.

People hate rape.  There is no question about that.  You can ask anyone and you would never get the response of "Rape?  Yeah, I guess it's alright."  Everybody knows rape is bad.  That is why people will argue on the grounds of entitlement or against an act like getting a girl drunk as being rape.  The idea of "legitimate rape" has survived because there are people who are afraid they won't like what they see when they look in the mirror.  So they discredit victims, claim they are crazy, and hide behind defenders saying "they would never do something like that.  They're not that type of person."

So what do we do?  We believe victims.  We hold assailants accountable for their actions.  We don't dismiss behavior as "boys being boys."  These ideas survive because we allow them to.  They have been passed down for generations as simple comments and attitudes, things that "never crossed the line."  But if we don't do anything about it then, why are we so shocked to hear Akin's comments.

Why Victims Need to be Believed

 Being attacked is a traumatizing experience, especially when there is seemingly no reason for the attack.  Charlie Rogers reported to police that she had been assaulted in her home by three masked men.  The men beat her, tied her up, and carved anti-gay slurs into her arm and abdomen.  Afterwards, they vandalized her home by spraying more slurs onto the walls and tried to set it on fire.  She believes she had been targeted because she is a lesbian.

The police are investigating the attack as a hate crime, but have yet to come up with any suspect.  This has led some to start speculating she made up the attack, victimizing Charlie again and causing further emotional damage.

For many victims, especially those of sexual assault, the most important thing anyone can do for them is support them by believing them.  Their minds are already full of doubts, searching for answers to questions like "why me?"  Often times they will begin to think it was something they did to cause it, which is affirmed by someone's disbelief in their story.  It's as if saying to the victim "you brought this on yourself because there is no other reason why anyone would do such a thing."

The truth is when someone acts, they choose their own actions.  Whether it is performance of benevolence or malice, that person chose how they would behave.  Rules, laws, and morality may serve as guidelines, but ultimately the responsibility for any act falls upon the one who committed it.

When we believe in victims, we help them find the first steps toward recovery, by regaining control in their lives.  We show them they don't have to stand alone, that there is someone willing to support them.  Believing the victim also tells the perpetrator that we will not accept their behavior nor just look away.

Besides, with the time it takes to file a report, going through a medical exam, and all the other frustrations when reporting a crime, why would anybody go through all that over a lie?

Talking to Kids about School Anxiety

Most children experience some fears and anxiety as each new school year begins. They worry they won't be able to read fast enough, and fret that older, popular kids will think they're geeks and bully them.

Your children may be silent about their back-to-school fears, but that doesn't mean they're anxiety-free. Kids may be reluctant to share with you their thoughts of impending confusion and embarrassment. Many times a child’s anxiety can come out in other ways such as stressing about small things around the house, moving things around in their room, and increase arguing with siblings. A supportive family conversation about these feelings can be reassuring. Here are some open ended questions that you can ask your kids to help through difficult transitions.

Kindergarten

Question: "Have you been thinking about what you're going to learn in kindergarten?"

Why Ask? Kids about to enter kindergarten often have unrealistic expectations about what they'll need to learn right away. And your child may also be discouraged to find that some of his new classmates' skills are more advanced than his.

Describe to your child what he'll learn in kindergarten, and explain that no one expects him to learn it all over night. Your child's realistic expectations about kindergarten will help prevent initial disappointment and stress.

Elementary School

Question: "Have you been wondering if Miss McCarthy will be a nice teacher?"

Why Ask? Your child has a frame of reference to compare teachers. Based on his relationship with his teacher last year, your child is either hoping for someone just like her or the total opposite. Relate any positive interactions that you and your acquaintances have had with this teacher: "I've seen her playing with her dog in the park, and she seems energetic and friendly," or "Jimmy's mom said Miss McCarthy was always kind to him and helped him do his best."

Question: "Have any other older kids told you about what “4^th grade” is like?"

Why Ask? Older kids sometimes delight in telling frightening stories to younger children. These kids try to speak with the voice of authority and may say things like: "They don't ever let you go to the bathroom!" and "You've got Mrs. Peterson? She is very strict and yells a lot."

You can use these “war stories” to try to explain that every student has a different experience with teachers. It is also important to let kids know that sometimes other children don’t always tell the truth and many times exaggerate the truth to get attention. 

Middle School

Question: "What worries your friends most about starting middle school?”

Why Ask? At this age and stage of development, asking about your new middler's friends' anxieties, instead of their own, may be the best way to open up discussion. Your child will indirectly work his own concerns into his responses, and may disguise his own worries as his friends'.

Your child has most likely heard tales about fighting in the corridors and kids being locked in their lockers. Going to school with older, bigger teens is a frightening experience for most fifth, sixth, and seventh graders. Don't dismiss your kid's fears -- they're probably based more on fact than fiction. Troubleshooting how her "friends" can feel safer in this new, intimidating world can provide her with much needed reassurance and support.

Question: "Have you worked out a backup plan if you forget your locker combination?"

Why Ask?  According to student surveys conducted by the National Council of Middle Schools, locked lockers are new middlers' biggest fear. Kids are very anxious about feeling humiliated in front of upperclassmen as they struggle to open their lockers. Have your kids practice using a combination lock at home, and brainstorm two different backup places to store their written combination and lock instructions.

High School

Question: "I wonder what the biggest challenge is these days with starting high school?"

Why Ask? An open-ended question lets your teen think they are the expert on high school today. High school has changed, but the anxiety surrounding it still exists. Every child is unique and different so the answer to this question can vary. Some students worry about fitting in, others are more concerned about getting lost or the school work. Talk this over with your teen and share with them some of your own anxiety back when you went to high school.

Triumph over Abuse

Kayla Harrison is the first American to even a gold medal in judo at the Olympics, but that isn't her only triumph.  While many praise Michael Phelps and his record setting number of medals or the blow-out wins by the Dream Team, Kayla has been recognized not only for her monumental achievement of bringing home the first gold for USA ever in the sport, but also for overcoming the trauma of sexual assault.

Kayla was only 13 years old when her coach at the time first sexually assaulted her.  She reported the abuse when she was 16 and thankfully, her perpetrator is now serving 10 years in prison.  But the sentencing of an attacker isn't like flipping a switch and making everything better.  She described in her journal feelings of depression and anguish.  She even considered quitting judo as many would have, not wanting to be reminded of the trauma.

But Kayla didn't quit.  She persevered,  getting a new coach and going on to win championships.  She described her outlook as “You get to the point where you decide that you don’t want to be a victim anymore and that you’re not going to live your life like that."  She has shown the world there is still life after the trauma and to those who haven't experienced sexual assault, she has shown them that survivors are not weak.  Many times victims have had to carry a stigma of being "damaged," but Kayla Harrison has shown that survivors can not only move on from the trauma, they can triumph.

The Power of Misinformation

One of the largest hurdles facing sexual assault prevention is a number of sources out there providing the wrong information.  It comes as false facts, such as rapists target women with pony tails because they're easier to grab or women in dresses because they're easier to undress.  It comes as misleading definitions of rape, saying someone is only sexually assaulted if they say they were and denying that coercion with alcohol or drugs should be considered rape, even though the victim didn't want to have sex.  It also comes as the stereotypical attacker in the night who grabs people in parking lots and takes them away in their white vans.

Why are these tales continued to be told even though there are hundreds of credible sources out there that have facts to prove otherwise?  Because people get something from them.  Misinformation helps market fear to sell products and services like guns, pepper spray, and self defense classes, but what good is a gun against the moral struggle about a sexually abusive family member?  Misinformation creates a false sense of security, having victims think that if they have short hair, wear pants, and aren't women they'll be okay, but what then for all those male victims out there?  Misinformation eases a conscience by saying drunken hook-ups are just a part of the scene, but what then about those who didn't know what was happening?

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of misinformation is it misleads prevention efforts.  It makes people focus on an attack from strangers, when 3 out of every 4 rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.  It lies to people, saying rape is a crime of opportunity by sexed crazed deviants when in truth it is about the attacker expressing power and control over their victim.  It also puts the blame on victims, telling them since they couldn't fight their attacker off, the rape was their fault.

So the next time you get emailed a chain letter or flyer offering "helpful safety tips," remember that real prevention addresses attitudes and cultures supporting rape, reducing perpetrators to reduce victims.

Source:  rainn.org

Erin's Law: Requiring Schools to Teach Prevention

Erin's Law, already adopted in some states and being considered in more, would require school districts to teach children, parents, and their staff about warning signs for sexual abuse.  In Michigan, it is a collection of bills which would set in place a task force which would make recommendations for school boards and is receiving bi-partisan support.  Named for Erin Merryn, a survivor of sexual abuse by a family member when she was in high school, her advocacy has lead to the law already being adopted in Illinois, Indiana, Maine, and Missouri.

Some would question the need for this kind of education in schools though.  Opposition would argue that these are lessons that should be taught by parents, especially with younger children, or that teachers should be focusing on "more important" things to help a child find a career.

But the reason why Erin's Law is so important is because a liassez-fiare attitude toward prevention education hasn't helped.  1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually abused in their lifetime, most even before they turn 18 years old.  Any sexual assault is too many, but these statistics are staggering.  Not only can prevention education equip people with skills so they won't become victims, but it will also equip people with knowledge to reduce perpetrator behavior, which is ultimately where any rape begins.

Another reason for the law is some parents may not know how to approach talking to their children about sexual abuse.  Rape is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people and requires a finesse with any audience, let alone kids.  Having trained staff in schools will help to make sure the children learn about sexual abuse in an appropriate way so then can be safe.  It also helps to ensure children receive the correct information on sexual assault, reducing their chances of being victimized.

Another advantage to having prevention skills being taught in schools is most parents probably wouldn't take their child to a sexual assault center for a presentation.  Instead, trained experts can come to the schools and talk to the children there, making it less uncomfortable for the child.  These professionals have experience with discussing sexual abuse and can make sure it is presented in a way the child understands without being frightened, just like our Prevention Coordinator at the Sexual Assault Center of Child and Family Services.

Erin's Law doesn't seem to have much opposition from legislators and will hopefully become a law in Michigan, making our schools an even safer place for our children.  If you'd like more information on what kind of sessions are available for children, contact Ash Christians, our Prevention Coordinator, at achristians@sac-saginaw.org.

The Price of Ignorance

This past Thursday saw the release of Penn State's independent inquiry on the handling of allegations against Jerry Sandusky, who was convicted last month of 47 charges relating to sexual assault.  You can read all 267 pages of the report here but the main take-away is former Athletic Director Tim Curley, ex-Vice President Gary Schultz, former president Graham Spencer, and former head football coach Joe Paterno conspired together to conceal the allegations against Jerry Sandusky.  The report has left a maelstrom of controversy and debate surrounding the university.

Attorneys for Curley and Schultz claim the report is lopsided and have continued to state they acted appropriately on what they knew.  However, the report cites among over 430 interviews that a janitor who witnessed one of the rapes said he was afraid to report it to police because it meant he would have been fired.  He said "football runs this university" and if Joe Paterno, who Jerry Sandusky worked under, didn't like someone, they would be gone.

The report also shows how these four top officials made no effort to mention a criminal investigation into Sandusky to the Board of Trustees from charges in 1998 and 1999.  None of these four, Paterno even having an office just feet from Sandusky's, made an effort to discuss Sandusky's conduct with him nor prevent him from bringing children onto campus.

Whether or not these men knew the extent of the truth is still up for debate, but what is evident is they did not want to know.  Joe Paterno passed away in January, leaving his family to issue a response to the report, but before passing had admitted that he wished he had done more.  His family defended him, saying he reported what he had been told and had left it up to higher administration to "do their jobs."  If true, this is still concerning considering there was no follow-through by him on an employee under his supervision.  One would think it reasonable that if a supervisor had an employee under an investigation, they would have an interest in the outcome of that investigation.  This "pass the buck" attitude shows that even if Paterno didn't know what was going on with Sandusky, he didn't want to know.

So then what is the price of ignorance?  Eight known victims of sexual abuse, the tarnished career of a hall of fame coach, pending charges against the university's top officials, and an immeasurable amount of damage to Penn State University's reputation among others.  All of this occurred because people decided they would be happier not knowing.  That's why victims need to be believed, regardless of a person's standing, reputation, or negative publicity.  How much of this could have been avoided if only people had believed the victims and were willing to put them ahead of a reputation?