Talking to Kids about School Anxiety

Most children experience some fears and anxiety as each new school year begins. They worry they won't be able to read fast enough, and fret that older, popular kids will think they're geeks and bully them.

Your children may be silent about their back-to-school fears, but that doesn't mean they're anxiety-free. Kids may be reluctant to share with you their thoughts of impending confusion and embarrassment. Many times a child’s anxiety can come out in other ways such as stressing about small things around the house, moving things around in their room, and increase arguing with siblings. A supportive family conversation about these feelings can be reassuring. Here are some open ended questions that you can ask your kids to help through difficult transitions.

Kindergarten

Question: "Have you been thinking about what you're going to learn in kindergarten?"

Why Ask? Kids about to enter kindergarten often have unrealistic expectations about what they'll need to learn right away. And your child may also be discouraged to find that some of his new classmates' skills are more advanced than his.

Describe to your child what he'll learn in kindergarten, and explain that no one expects him to learn it all over night. Your child's realistic expectations about kindergarten will help prevent initial disappointment and stress.

Elementary School

Question: "Have you been wondering if Miss McCarthy will be a nice teacher?"

Why Ask? Your child has a frame of reference to compare teachers. Based on his relationship with his teacher last year, your child is either hoping for someone just like her or the total opposite. Relate any positive interactions that you and your acquaintances have had with this teacher: "I've seen her playing with her dog in the park, and she seems energetic and friendly," or "Jimmy's mom said Miss McCarthy was always kind to him and helped him do his best."

Question: "Have any other older kids told you about what “4^th grade” is like?"

Why Ask? Older kids sometimes delight in telling frightening stories to younger children. These kids try to speak with the voice of authority and may say things like: "They don't ever let you go to the bathroom!" and "You've got Mrs. Peterson? She is very strict and yells a lot."

You can use these “war stories” to try to explain that every student has a different experience with teachers. It is also important to let kids know that sometimes other children don’t always tell the truth and many times exaggerate the truth to get attention. 

Middle School

Question: "What worries your friends most about starting middle school?”

Why Ask? At this age and stage of development, asking about your new middler's friends' anxieties, instead of their own, may be the best way to open up discussion. Your child will indirectly work his own concerns into his responses, and may disguise his own worries as his friends'.

Your child has most likely heard tales about fighting in the corridors and kids being locked in their lockers. Going to school with older, bigger teens is a frightening experience for most fifth, sixth, and seventh graders. Don't dismiss your kid's fears -- they're probably based more on fact than fiction. Troubleshooting how her "friends" can feel safer in this new, intimidating world can provide her with much needed reassurance and support.

Question: "Have you worked out a backup plan if you forget your locker combination?"

Why Ask?  According to student surveys conducted by the National Council of Middle Schools, locked lockers are new middlers' biggest fear. Kids are very anxious about feeling humiliated in front of upperclassmen as they struggle to open their lockers. Have your kids practice using a combination lock at home, and brainstorm two different backup places to store their written combination and lock instructions.

High School

Question: "I wonder what the biggest challenge is these days with starting high school?"

Why Ask? An open-ended question lets your teen think they are the expert on high school today. High school has changed, but the anxiety surrounding it still exists. Every child is unique and different so the answer to this question can vary. Some students worry about fitting in, others are more concerned about getting lost or the school work. Talk this over with your teen and share with them some of your own anxiety back when you went to high school.