Can Introverts Be Heard in a World of Loud Voices?

Introverts get kind of a bad rap.  They're stereotyped into being shy, timid opposites of the bold, courageous extroverts of the world.  They're often seen as followers, the worker bees of the hive waiting to follow the direction of extrovert leaders.  However, quiet does not mean inactive.

When engaging a group in discussion, the introverts and extroverts are instantly identified.  The extroverts often take over the discussion, eager to share their opinions and what they "know" the answer is, even arguing with your opinion differs from their own.  I prod and dig, getting them to explore their ideas and critically examine their thought process.  But what I always find interesting is what I find in the quiet introverts.  After a long, sometimes heated debate, I'll hear a soft voice offering a well-thought idea.  You see as the introverts sat quietly listening to the debate, they were also thinking.

There is something to be said for extroverts as well.  If someone was a complete introvert they wouldn't be able to share their carefully examined ideas with anyone else.  Extroverts are the ones who can draw people together and be willing to go out and explore on their own.

Wondering where you fit on the spectrum?  Try this quiz and see where you place.  Take the time to look at your strengths, whether as an introvert or an extrovert, and how you can use them.  Also, it never hurts to see how you can be more like the other side.  Learn more about the power of introverts from Susan Cain in the video below.

Source.  www.TED.com

Understanding Aspergers Syndrome

 

It is believed that Albert Einstein had Aspergers.

 

At Child & Family Services we have created the Social Thinking Group to help children and parents experiencing Aspergers Syndrome understand their unique differences and learn how to maneuver them socially. We believe all individual have strengths and weaknesses, it is our goal to help everyone to enhance those strengths and adapt weaknesses to ensure optimal happiness in life.

 

Asperger Syndrome is typically not diagnosed until a child is school age. Unlike autism, Asperger Syndrome can generally only be determined based on a child's social interactions. Children with Asperger Syndrome show typical language development and often an above average vocabulary. However, you may have noticed that when your child interacts with others, he or she might use language skills inappropriately or awkwardly. Because of regularly developing language skills, in the early stages, symptoms of AS may be hard to differentiate from those of other behavioral issues like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). As a result, your child may have first been diagnosed with disorders such as ADHD, until the issues appear to be caused by more of an inability to socialize than an inability to focus.

 

The following is a list of symptoms that may present themselves in children with Asperger Syndrome:

 

• improper or very few social interactions
• "robotic" or repetitive speech
• average or below average nonverbal communication skills, yet average or above average verbal communication skills
• tendency to discuss self rather than others
• inability to understand issues or phrases that are considered “common sense”
• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation
• obsession with specific unique topics
• one-sided conversations
• awkward movements and/or mannerisms

A very obvious and distinct indicator of Asperger Syndrome is preoccupation with one particular issue, from simple things like refrigerators or weather, to complex topics like President Franklin D. Roosevelt during the Great Depression. Adolescents become so attentive to these topics that they strive to learn every possible fact and detail, and as a result become incredible experts. Children with AS might initiate one-way conversations with others by speaking only about the facts related to their particular topic of interest. Your child may not be aware that his or her audience may no longer be listening, or may not be in the topic of discussion.

 

Another symptom of Asperger Syndrome is an inability to understand the actions, words or behaviors of other people. Individuals with Asperger Syndrome very often don't understand humor or the implications of particular phrases or actions of other people. Subtle gestures or expressions such as a smile, a frown or a “come here” motion may not phase children with Asperger Syndrome because they are unable to see the relationship between these nonverbal communication methods, and verbal methods like speech and language. Because they are often incapable of understanding these nonverbal cues, the social world can seem very confusing and overwhelming to these individuals. To compound the problem, people with Asperger Syndrome have difficulty seeing things from another person's perspective. This inability leaves them unable to predict or understand other people's actions. Although not universal, it is common for people with Asperger Syndrome to have difficulty regulating their emotions.

 

It is important to note that not all individuals with Asperger Syndrome display each of these symptoms, and that the presence and severity of each symptom is likely to vary between individuals with the same diagnosis. While displaying some or all of these symptoms, each child with autism also possesses many unique gifts.

 

At Child & Family Services we have created the Social Thinking Group to help children and parents understand their unique differences and learn how to maneuver them socially. We believe all individual have strengths and weaknesses, it is our goal to help everyone to enhance those strengths and adapt weaknesses to ensure optimal happiness in life.

 

Resource: Autims Speaks

A Culture of Sexual Harassment and Sexism?

Language is a powerful thing.  It can be used to negotiate trades and sales.  How could you get a store to match a price of another store if you can't tell them about it?  It can be used to entertain and express ideas.  How boring would it be to watch television or a movie if nobody ever said a word?  It can be used to settle conflict before someone ends up with a bloody nose.  How could you say you're sorry when bumping into someone before they decide you're looking for a fight?

Yes, language is indeed a powerful thing that we use every day.  Yet some people still can't seem to understand the effect their words might have.  Take, for example, Rush Limbaugh.  When reacting to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke's testimony before Congress, he referred to her as a "slut" and a "prostitute."  Many have reacted negatively to his comments with advertisers pulling their ads and some stations dropping his show.  Their reaction is not in regard to a political stance on the issue being argued, but his offensive language.

The issue of language and sexism went deeper with the internet reality show Cross Assault.  The show was organized by video game publisher Capcom to promote a new game coming out by having eSports athletes compete while people could watch.  After several days of the event, one team's coach, Aris Bakhtanians, was asked if it'd be possible to play the game without sexual harassment.  His response was that you can't.  To do so would be to change the culture of gaming which he considered "ethically wrong."  When asked about the appropriateness of using "rape" in trash talking, he said "There's nothing unacceptable about that. These are people, we're in America, man, this isn't North Korea. We can say what we want. People get emotional."  His only team member, Miranda Pakozki, went on to intentionally be eliminated from the tournament after his comments but was given the prize by the competitor who she lost against.

What's most shocking about both of these stories is their lack of understanding why someone would see their language as inappropriate.  They will often hide behind  an explanation like "it's just a figure of speech," but they fail to realize the harm it causes.  People will deny being racist or sexist even though they repeat jokes and comments they've heard others say.  What they don't realize is even though they may not be sexist or racist, using those words and comments advocates sexism and racism for those who are.  It's no longer taboo to express those opinions.  You're seen as someone they share a bond with, someone who will permit their behavior.

Another excuse is "it's a part of our culture."  If a culture has been shown to be harmful to others, shouldn't it be changed?  Slavery was once a part of our culture and yet that has changed.  For years there has been a concern of a growing "rape" culture where victims are blamed and assailants are forgiven for the attack being "just their nature."  It makes light of rape, using the word in reference to beating someone.  It takes away from the trauma a victim experiences when it has been used so lightly.  It also encourages sexist attitudes in those who can't quite filter the content, like children.

People will also jump to the argument that they're expressing their 1st Amendment Right to free speech. Whenever I hear this I'm reminded of a phrase my high school political science teacher used to say:  My rights end at the end of my fist and yours start at the tip of your nose.  Our rights are ours so long as they don't infringe on the rights of anyone else.  When someone uses sexist language, it creates an uncomfortable atmosphere for others around them.  They may not like what they hear, but because of the rhetoric and insults of being "over-sensitive," people won't speak up.

Inappropriate language isn't an issue of people needing to grow "thicker skin."  It's about people bullying others, intimidating others in a subversive way.  Understanding the meaning behind language and the power it has can be a great step into preventing sexual violence.  For more information, contact our Prevention Coordinator at 989-790-7500 ext. 226.

Sources:  CNN, Giant Bomb

The 7 Stages of Marriage

Marriage comes with its ups and its downs!  Ask anyone who has been married for a long time and they will tell you that marriages do not stay the same, there are filled with good years and challenging years, but for marriages that prevail, the final stage is worth all of the work!  As M. Scott Peck writes in The Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult.  It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.” 

Marriages are like roads less traveled.  To successfully transcend your marriage it is important to acknowledge the fact that marriages go through stages!  The stage you are in is not as important as the action and mindset you take to what marital road you end up on.

PASSION STAGE:  You may be in the Passion Stage if your relationship is all about the two of you and the excitement, sex and intimacy you are experiencing.

Strategy for Success: Strengthen your sense of “us” – make time for each other, leave work at work.

REALIZATION STAGE:  You may be in the Realization Stage if you find you are beginning to get to know each other’s real strengths and weaknesses.

Strategy for Success: Develop the important communication habits – listening and confiding – that are essential to expanding understanding and trust. Consider working on taking time to let the other person communicate uninterrupted.

REBELLION STAGE:  You may be in the Rebellion Stage when each of you is seeking to assert your self-interests and you end up having volatile – or hidden - power struggles. This may erupt early in marriages, and counseling may be essential if insecurities and mistrust creep in.

Strategy for Success: Learn how to negotiate and keep agreements – keeping promises builds trust. Identify areas of difference and start talking about them – one at a time. Don’t change the subject.

COOPERATION STAGE:  You maybe in the Cooperation Stage if both you and your spouse seem more preoccupied with the kids, money, home and work and you start to feel like business partners more than lovers.

Strategy for Success: Make your marriage a priority, de-stress and keep the passion alive. Set up a regular date night. Find a babysitter!

REUNION STAGE:  You may be in the Reunion Stage if you have an ‘empty nest’ and begin to have more time for yourself and for each other to renew your friendship and passion.

Strategy for Success: Refocus on your marriage, get off autopilot & unpack any old baggage. Plan some special events that bring back good memories.

EXPLOSION STAGE:  You may be in the Explosion Stage, which can happen anytime, if you are experiencing major career, health, parenting and/or family crises.  This is a time when counseling could be beneficial for either the couple or individual to help you understand life stressors affects on the marriage.

Strategy for Success: Make use of emotional, physical and spiritual support for yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Pay attention to your physical and emotional health and well-being.

COMPLETION STAGE:  You may be in the Completion Stage as stability and security reign and you enjoy each other and the life you have created.

Strategy for Success: Look to create a new sense of meaning and purpose for yourselves and your marriage. Establish a special project that you will begin together.

Life After Sexual Assault

Often times when discussing sexual assault, we become so focused on the trauma the victim has suffered that we forget to mention there is a life afterward.  There has been no clearer of a reminder than that of Elizabeth Smart.

For many people, the name Elizabeth Smart will sound familiar.  She had been kidnapped from her home in 2002 and spent the following nine months being sexually assaulted by her kidnapper, Brian David Mitchell, while constantly on the move.  She had been rescued in 2003 but her case wasn't able to come to a close until 2010 when Mitchel was sentenced to a life sentence along with his wife, who was sentenced to 15 years.

Smart has gone on to be an advocate and an activist for abused children, speaking out on a national level against sexual abuse and continuing to live her life.  Just over one week ago, she married Matthew Gilmour in Hawaii, having an unannounced ceremony to avoid unwanted attention.

The important message to take from this is that she is continuing to live her life.  There is a misconception that victims are forever damaged, never able to recuperate from the trauma.  There are many people out there like Elizabeth Smart, people who are able to heal from the trauma.  That's why it's important that when we look to bring attention to sexual assault, for all the harm it causes, we can't forget to celebrate all those who have healed and overcome.

Everybody has their own way of healing and there is help out there for them.  The Sexual Assault Center of Child and Family Services is committed to help survivors through prevention, advocacy, and therapy.  If you'd like to know more or are looking for help with sexual assault, please call us at 989-790-9118.

Pentagon Allows Women to Serve Closer to Front Lines, Some Say It Will Increase Rapes

Recently, the Pentagon has announced a new decision to allow female servicemembers to serve closer to the front lines, going against a 1994 policy which previously prohibited them from having positions near combat units.  These new opportunities allow women to apply for jobs that provide more training and better pay.  It was a move in favor of gender equality that didn't take long to generate controversy.  This was a topic that had been debated frequently with servicewomen stating they are just as capable as their male counterparts to defend their county while others like Rick Santorum arguing men would feel compelled to protect the women and therefore women would be a distraction.

Enter Liz Trotta, a commentator for Fox News who has drawn criticism for statements she made in an interview.  Her argument against the Pentagon's change in policy was the government is already spending enough money because of sexual assault in the military and adding women to the front lines would increase that spending due to an increase in rapes.  Her statements boil down to claiming the blame of a sexual assault falls on the victim because it was caused by the victim being a woman.

Her comments completely ignore the fact that sexual assault is not caused by the victim.  There is nothing a victim can do, say, or imply that can cause a rape, whether they are a man or a woman.  The truth is whether or not someone is assaulted is determined by the one who commits the rape.  They are the ones who make the choice to sexually assault someone.  To think otherwise is to deny the very motivation behind rape:  power and control.  Sexual assault isn't committed because of an assailant's lust or finding a victim too irresistible.  It is committed because the rapist wants to express power or control.  They want to show they can do whatever they want to whomever they want.  Anything the victim has done has nothing to do with the attacker's intentions.

It is because of harmful, false beliefs like Trotta's that sexual assault continues to be an issue.  They place the blame not on the attacker, but on the victim.  The Sexual Assault Center of Child and Family Services works to educate people on sexual assault through our prevention activities because as Liz Trotta has shown, there are still people who need to be reached.  Prevention isn't making sure people aren't victims.  Prevention is making sure people don't become rapists.

How Sexual Abuse has Affected Youth Sports

It's been a while since the media has covered the allegations against Jerry Sandusky but the passing of Joe Paterno has also reminded us of the controversy.  As the attention fades away, replaced by the next controversy, we can't forget the lessons that can be learned from it.  I've often heard comments like "the world is crazy now" and "this stuff never used to happen."  Sexual abuse in coaching is nothing new.  Many successful athletes like Margaret Hoelzer, Theo Fleury, and Sheldon Kennedy have all come forward and revealed a history of abuse.  So what has changed?  Why are we hearing about it now?

Two important things have changed.  The first is that victims are treated differently.  Before, there was a fear for survivors that they would be blamed, ridiculed, or even not believed.  Sadly, those fears weren't unwarranted.  If sexual abuse didn't fit the text book ideal of what rape was, then it must not have happened.  The common belief was victims were always women and abusers were always creepy loners with vans and mustaches.  These predators were supposed to be someone nobody liked or got along with because they were evil to the very core.  Someone you just knew was bad.  Unfortunately that couldn't be further from the truth.  They are sometimes friends, neighbors, coaches, and family members.  They want to be liked.  That's how they get away with it.  Too many people are misled by believing "it couldn't be your neighbor of 15 years; he always mows your lawn when you're on vacation and is just a nice guy" or "it couldn't be the little league coach; he's always so good with the kids".

Then there's the belief that things like that don't happen here.  Sexual assault is a city problem.  That's what people in Hinsdale, IL thought before Robert Mueller, a former basketball coach, was convicted of having sexual relationships with two female students.  The idea of "we're a small community and we don't have those kind of people here" actually attracts sexual predators.  Just as offenders pay attention to which states have the easier laws for their sex offender registry, they also pay attention to what communities they will likely be noticed in.  It is the very definition of ignorance is bliss.

But that brings us to the second thing that has changed.  People are more open to victims now.  They are willing to believe that anyone is could be an abuser.  The more open and understanding we become, the better our chances are of preventing sexual abuse.  Survivors feel safer to come forward and predators can be stopped before a controversy breaks with a long list of victims.

We can also accept the idea that sexual abuse can happen here, but we're not going to let it.   The first step to combat sexual abuse in sports is to have policies and trainings in place on mandatory reporting and proper conduct.  A coach wrapping his arms around a batter to help practice a swing may have completely innocent intentions, but how does it appear?  It is something some abusers have used to blur boundaries with children.  It's not always safe to just rely on people having common sense either.  We develop common sense from life experiences, and those experiences come with mistakes.  By having trainings for coaches, those mistakes can be avoided.  By parents and coaches watching each other, we can all work together to protect children.

If you have questions or are interested in any trainings for teaching or coaching staff, sexual assault and harassment policies, please contact Ash Christians at the Sexual Assault Center of Child and Family Services by calling 989-790-7500 ext. 226 or emailing achristians@sac-saginaw.org.