Rep. Akin is not alone.

Rep. Todd Akin started a firestorm last week that blazed around the world.  His comments of "legitimate rape" rarely resulting in pregnancy, and if so, the female body having a way of shutting down the pregnancy have brought the ire down from both sides of the political aisle.  He has since apologized, claiming to have misspoken and tried to clarify his statement.  Many people have been shocked, disgusted, and disturbed by his comments and in disbelief that anyone could possibly think that.  In my five years of sexual violence prevention, all I had to say was "Yeah, they're out there."

 Rep. Akin's statement to me was like peeking behind the curtain of a magic show.  Behind all the glamor and flash we saw the tricks and deception and found there was no magic.  It's a belief that still clings on like dusty cobwebs as society moves forward, this idea that a "legitimate rape" is a rare occurrence; that women cry rape to cover promiscuous behavior or out of vindictive spite.  It's a hold-over way of thinking from the days when "rule of thumb," where a husband could beat his wife with a stick no wider than his thumb, could still be found on the books and that a wife could never deny her husband sex.  But much like racism, this sexist attitude still lingers.   How can something that has created such an uproar have survived to this day?  The answer is simple.

Denial.  Not denial that there is a problem.  If we have seen anything in the passed week, it is that many agree this is a problem.  No, the denial is with those who hold onto the belief.  When I speak on prevention, encouraging healthy masculinity and showing how strength isn't what you can take, but how much you can give, I've found people who will argue on "what is rape?"  They claim there's nothing wrong with giving a girl a few drinks to "loosen her up."  They don't believe a woman can change her mind on sex.  They justify their behavior by claiming "everybody does it."  They argue so strongly on these grounds because, I suspect, admitting these things are wrong would mean they've done some wrong things.

People hate rape.  There is no question about that.  You can ask anyone and you would never get the response of "Rape?  Yeah, I guess it's alright."  Everybody knows rape is bad.  That is why people will argue on the grounds of entitlement or against an act like getting a girl drunk as being rape.  The idea of "legitimate rape" has survived because there are people who are afraid they won't like what they see when they look in the mirror.  So they discredit victims, claim they are crazy, and hide behind defenders saying "they would never do something like that.  They're not that type of person."

So what do we do?  We believe victims.  We hold assailants accountable for their actions.  We don't dismiss behavior as "boys being boys."  These ideas survive because we allow them to.  They have been passed down for generations as simple comments and attitudes, things that "never crossed the line."  But if we don't do anything about it then, why are we so shocked to hear Akin's comments.

Why Victims Need to be Believed

 Being attacked is a traumatizing experience, especially when there is seemingly no reason for the attack.  Charlie Rogers reported to police that she had been assaulted in her home by three masked men.  The men beat her, tied her up, and carved anti-gay slurs into her arm and abdomen.  Afterwards, they vandalized her home by spraying more slurs onto the walls and tried to set it on fire.  She believes she had been targeted because she is a lesbian.

The police are investigating the attack as a hate crime, but have yet to come up with any suspect.  This has led some to start speculating she made up the attack, victimizing Charlie again and causing further emotional damage.

For many victims, especially those of sexual assault, the most important thing anyone can do for them is support them by believing them.  Their minds are already full of doubts, searching for answers to questions like "why me?"  Often times they will begin to think it was something they did to cause it, which is affirmed by someone's disbelief in their story.  It's as if saying to the victim "you brought this on yourself because there is no other reason why anyone would do such a thing."

The truth is when someone acts, they choose their own actions.  Whether it is performance of benevolence or malice, that person chose how they would behave.  Rules, laws, and morality may serve as guidelines, but ultimately the responsibility for any act falls upon the one who committed it.

When we believe in victims, we help them find the first steps toward recovery, by regaining control in their lives.  We show them they don't have to stand alone, that there is someone willing to support them.  Believing the victim also tells the perpetrator that we will not accept their behavior nor just look away.

Besides, with the time it takes to file a report, going through a medical exam, and all the other frustrations when reporting a crime, why would anybody go through all that over a lie?

Talking to Kids about School Anxiety

Most children experience some fears and anxiety as each new school year begins. They worry they won't be able to read fast enough, and fret that older, popular kids will think they're geeks and bully them.

Your children may be silent about their back-to-school fears, but that doesn't mean they're anxiety-free. Kids may be reluctant to share with you their thoughts of impending confusion and embarrassment. Many times a child’s anxiety can come out in other ways such as stressing about small things around the house, moving things around in their room, and increase arguing with siblings. A supportive family conversation about these feelings can be reassuring. Here are some open ended questions that you can ask your kids to help through difficult transitions.

Kindergarten

Question: "Have you been thinking about what you're going to learn in kindergarten?"

Why Ask? Kids about to enter kindergarten often have unrealistic expectations about what they'll need to learn right away. And your child may also be discouraged to find that some of his new classmates' skills are more advanced than his.

Describe to your child what he'll learn in kindergarten, and explain that no one expects him to learn it all over night. Your child's realistic expectations about kindergarten will help prevent initial disappointment and stress.

Elementary School

Question: "Have you been wondering if Miss McCarthy will be a nice teacher?"

Why Ask? Your child has a frame of reference to compare teachers. Based on his relationship with his teacher last year, your child is either hoping for someone just like her or the total opposite. Relate any positive interactions that you and your acquaintances have had with this teacher: "I've seen her playing with her dog in the park, and she seems energetic and friendly," or "Jimmy's mom said Miss McCarthy was always kind to him and helped him do his best."

Question: "Have any other older kids told you about what “4^th grade” is like?"

Why Ask? Older kids sometimes delight in telling frightening stories to younger children. These kids try to speak with the voice of authority and may say things like: "They don't ever let you go to the bathroom!" and "You've got Mrs. Peterson? She is very strict and yells a lot."

You can use these “war stories” to try to explain that every student has a different experience with teachers. It is also important to let kids know that sometimes other children don’t always tell the truth and many times exaggerate the truth to get attention. 

Middle School

Question: "What worries your friends most about starting middle school?”

Why Ask? At this age and stage of development, asking about your new middler's friends' anxieties, instead of their own, may be the best way to open up discussion. Your child will indirectly work his own concerns into his responses, and may disguise his own worries as his friends'.

Your child has most likely heard tales about fighting in the corridors and kids being locked in their lockers. Going to school with older, bigger teens is a frightening experience for most fifth, sixth, and seventh graders. Don't dismiss your kid's fears -- they're probably based more on fact than fiction. Troubleshooting how her "friends" can feel safer in this new, intimidating world can provide her with much needed reassurance and support.

Question: "Have you worked out a backup plan if you forget your locker combination?"

Why Ask?  According to student surveys conducted by the National Council of Middle Schools, locked lockers are new middlers' biggest fear. Kids are very anxious about feeling humiliated in front of upperclassmen as they struggle to open their lockers. Have your kids practice using a combination lock at home, and brainstorm two different backup places to store their written combination and lock instructions.

High School

Question: "I wonder what the biggest challenge is these days with starting high school?"

Why Ask? An open-ended question lets your teen think they are the expert on high school today. High school has changed, but the anxiety surrounding it still exists. Every child is unique and different so the answer to this question can vary. Some students worry about fitting in, others are more concerned about getting lost or the school work. Talk this over with your teen and share with them some of your own anxiety back when you went to high school.

Triumph over Abuse

Kayla Harrison is the first American to even a gold medal in judo at the Olympics, but that isn't her only triumph.  While many praise Michael Phelps and his record setting number of medals or the blow-out wins by the Dream Team, Kayla has been recognized not only for her monumental achievement of bringing home the first gold for USA ever in the sport, but also for overcoming the trauma of sexual assault.

Kayla was only 13 years old when her coach at the time first sexually assaulted her.  She reported the abuse when she was 16 and thankfully, her perpetrator is now serving 10 years in prison.  But the sentencing of an attacker isn't like flipping a switch and making everything better.  She described in her journal feelings of depression and anguish.  She even considered quitting judo as many would have, not wanting to be reminded of the trauma.

But Kayla didn't quit.  She persevered,  getting a new coach and going on to win championships.  She described her outlook as “You get to the point where you decide that you don’t want to be a victim anymore and that you’re not going to live your life like that."  She has shown the world there is still life after the trauma and to those who haven't experienced sexual assault, she has shown them that survivors are not weak.  Many times victims have had to carry a stigma of being "damaged," but Kayla Harrison has shown that survivors can not only move on from the trauma, they can triumph.