Former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky has been arrested with two more victims stepping forward with allegations, bringing the total to 10 victims. Like many cases involving sexual assault, there are arguments and opinions on both sides. Some people are wondering why these two waited so long to come forward. Is it money they are after? Are they just jumping on the bandwagon? These types of questions are common in cases involving high profile figures, the kind of diatribe used to discredit a victim and their experience. The truth is this can be one of the most stressful and terrifying decisions a victim can make. The details that have emerged from the allegations have painted a picture typical of many abusers who target children: the practice of “grooming.”
Grooming is a word often brought up but not usually explained. When a child has been groomed, not only is it difficult to tell their story but also have to deal with how they feel about their abuser. When many people think of child sexual abuse it is the idea of the creepy van hanging around a playground, waiting for the unsuspecting child to wander close enough to be snatched up and driven away. It’s this concept that has us teaching our children to not talk to strangers, to stay close, and to scream and holler if anyone tries to take them. But what if that person isn’t a stranger?
This is where grooming comes into play. The danger doesn’t come from a windowless van or odd strangers. The danger comes from those who your child trusts. It’s been reported that Sandusky would take the victims to football games, give them gifts, and even let them stay overnight at his house. The abuser doesn’t want to be scary; they want to be your child’s best friend. That’s how they keep the child from telling. No matter how much we teach our kids about good and bad touches it can’t measure up to the pressure they feel when their best friend wants to do something they know is wrong. It’s a slow process of gifts and attention, perhaps the appreciation the child has never had, with the abusers testing their boundaries every step of the way. First they have little secrets; that candy bar before dinner, a secret trip to a ballgame when they’re supposed to be in school. Then, when the abuser knows the child can keep a secret, they push the boundaries. Uncomfortable touches, pornography, and the like are all examples of an abuser trying to push the line a little further to get what they want. How can we expect a ten year old to be able to understand the manipulation that’s going on? How can we fault them when the nicest person they know starts hurting them and they are afraid to tell? Yet that is what grooming is all about. It’s taking the time to earn your child’s trust gradually so when the abuse begins, it’s subversive and they feel too guilty to tell anyone.
When new victims step forward with the courage to tell their story it’s not out of glory or greed, but for having the strength in knowing that they are no longer alone. They don’t have to be afraid anymore. They don’t have to carry the guilt. They can face their abuser together knowing the abuse wasn’t their fault.
If you’d like to know more about sexual abuse, grooming, or have any other questions, feel free to contact our Sexual Assault Prevention Coordinator, Ash Christians, at achristians@sac-saginaw.org.
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